Since I really wanted to talk about this for a while now, I think its best to actually say it here rather than in my personal blog/s since this is pretty much BL-related in most ways.
I don’t really know how to start but this is just a more in-depth background of me when it comes to (BL) fandom and why I’m not being able to update most of my BL sites recently. I know I only have very few people who actually reads my post but you guys don’t know how much I appreciate every one of you. I mean, I started this blog early last year and didn’t know that much people online yet. Then I eventually got to meet wonderful people through Tumblr (which was then genkihoshi—that was solely for BL manga snippets until it became a fandom blog). Because of Tumblr, otakutofujoshi gained readers. Of course for the first few months no one really responded to my posts and I actually thought of quitting right away since I thought it was just useless. But still, I came back again and continued posting release updates since my “genkihoshi” was still gaining followers and that is the reason why I still kept going because I know that at least there’s a possibility those followers are reading otakutofujoshi.
Months passed and I already had comments, frequent asks and e-mails. What was great is that I got to meet a bunch of new people and gained experience in the whole BL community—I felt like I had a place where I can talk confidently without having to be so paranoid as to what they’ll think about me since we share the same interest. Honestly, I don’t have that much friends who I can actually express my true self with. I only get to express myself through my tweets (read: I tweet a LOT) so I express myself more with online friends rather than real life ones. But of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate my real life friends. I’m thankful to the people who are a part of my life, or in some way a part of it. ;;
So anyway onto the main point. Recently I haven’t been updating since I realized BL is already taking over my life and unfortunately to say, I’m not happy about it. I don’t have anything against BL in general—I mean, why should I? It’s already a big part of me and the fandom will stay with me for eternity, lol. But what I mean is, keeping up with BL is becoming a pain. All these shiny new releases from tankoubons to anthologies to doujinshis and BLCDs—it all gives me emotional pain. Why? I don’t have enough money for it. Some of you might be thinking, “So why bother buying?” well let me tell you something about me that I think most fangirls has—addiction. When you get obsessed with something, you’ll eventually ask more of it, right? That’s one problem with the BL fandom and any other fandoms for that matter.
Believe it or not, I once had an emotional break down when I couldn’t buy these certain tankoubons I’ve been dying to get since it’s release was announced. I was thinking, “If I don’t get my hands on those and it gets sold out online, I rather just die (literally).” Although it’s quite extreme, that’s how I actually think when I don’t get what I want which is the worse negative trait I have. I even thought of actually selling stuff in our house just so I can get my gay porn manga fix. It was literally like a drug to me. My addiction became worse and it actually affected the way I handled my money. I rather buy BL than buy stuff I need for school as well as other stuff. My aunt noticed and we had this big fight and she threatened me that she’ll burn all my BL manga and books if I don’t fix my attitude. Things like those occurred even my mom who supported me with this whole BL collection of mine scolded me and stopped sending me allowance. After that, I started to reflect about it so I announced a purchasing hiatus on my blog/s. I still got to update otakutofujoshi with a few BL releases during my purchasing hiatus. though. But then that was when I realized if I still keep on checking for release updates, my little “BL rehab” (as my close friends called it) won’t be effective so I quit looking at BL sites.
Another thing was it got in the way of what I needed to do most and that was improve my drawings. Although BL became a big influence on my drawings, but when I look at them for reference, I end up reading and leave work unfinished. Also, because I tend to look at BL sites all the time, the time I’m supposed to make good use for drawing practices goes to me looking for new BL releases and read blog posts of my favorite mangakas. I tend to complain a lot to myself too when I see pretty drawings and never really realized it was my own goddam fault why I’m not good at drawing because I just keep on ogling at other people’s works and not focusing on mine. When I then focused on my drawings (which was only recently), I got to leave behind my BL blogs for a very long time and at the same time, I realized I kind of lost touch with some people I usually talk to in the fandom.
So from now on, I’ll try to keep things balanced. As for my BL addiction, it became a lot better during those few months of not buying anything online. My aunt accepted me liking homosexual men, my mom supports my art which involves a lot of gay men, and my friends, eventhough some of them are grossed out with man on man action, they still support me and my undying love for BL.;; I now understand the difference of “want” and “need” in BL sense, lol.
Also, I have met a lot of friends online and I get to enjoy everyday with them via twitter or tumblr. I got to be part of a BL doujinshi circle which is just starting but I know we can make it big someday! ;v; and thank God I still have the first online friends I met before all those BL drama happened.;;
Right now I’m focusing on improving my drawings but at the same time I’ll try and update as much as I can. School hasn’t been kind to me recently either.;; But then again, thank you for those who have stick with me and my senseless ramblings up to now! I know I always thank a lot but in all honestly I am very thankful to all of you. ;v;;;
I guess that’s it! Until my next post which I hope won’t be like this one anymore orz;